What Makes Successful Relationships, Part II

Dr. Jeanne Robertson, Ph.D., LPC, LMFT     

Dr. Jeanne is the Director of St. Paul's Center for Counseling & Education

Part I of this two-part article is based on the paragraph quoted below, found on page 39 of the Gottman’s book, Fight Right. [I recommend Part I found on our Website blog, before continuing.]
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A relationship is a constant negotiation of individual versus collective. Each person has their own individual awareness and preferences, interests, emotions, intellect, and even spirituality – all these things that compose, fundamentally, who they are. And all these parts of the individual are calling out for expression. Humans have this individual need to express and embody who they are. But the collective – whether it’s a tribe, a city, a country, [family, church, organization], or a couple – demands something very different. It demands cooperation. Collaboration. Cohesion. Compromise. And kindness, compassion, and sensitivity to each other’s individual preferences and needs. And it will always be there, this tension: between trying to be true to who you are in your own soul, in your own core, versus being true to the collective. This becomes the long-term work of love, of being partners for the long haul.

Part I ends with this question: How does this description of what relationships are all about and what is needed to make them successful help us improve our own relationships? I hinted at the answer by saying “kindness, compassion, and sensitivity to each other’s individual preferences and needs” is the key.
There are two very important concepts in the quoted paragraph: the individual and the collective. What are those and what do they mean?

We are each an individual, created by God, in the image of God and incredibly unique. However, on another level we are all the same, inasmuch as we all have “individual awareness and preferences, interests, emotions, intellect, and even spirituality. And all these parts of the individual are calling out for expression. Humans have this individual need to express and embody who they are.” We are so alike and yet, so different. We tend to focus on what’s different when our interests, preferences, emotions, etc. don’t align with another’s. We focus on their difference from us. This, of course, makes them wrong, and us right in our own eyes. A foundation of conflict has been laid. It is now Me versus Them. That stance pushes us out of relationships. We often fail to realize that all collectives are comprised of individuals. Me vs Them simply builds greater tension.

The second important concept is the collective. The paragraph on page 39 uses it to describe a city or couple, etc. A collective is a living system comprised of individual parts working together for specific goals. Families are systems. Couples are systems. Churches are systems. Schools, cities are all systems. Systems are individual parts, people in relationship working together toward the goals of the system, the collective. You cannot separate the collective, which is a system, from relationship. The system, collective, is the relationship. I will use collective and relationship interchangeably at times.

The distinction I’m attempting to make is that individuals, you and me are flesh and blood humans with all the preferences, etc. above. But the collective, the relationship isn’t flesh and blood. It is a shared understanding about how we want and need things to be; it is conceptual. Marriage is a collective. The concept of marriage in The Episcopal Church is based on our Christian values. The government of the United States is based on the values found in the Constitution. The goals of each are different, but marriage and the US are both collectives. Both are made up of individuals trying to meet their own needs and the needs of the collective. A marriage is two individuals; this country is comprised of several hundred million individual people. As individuals, we are in relationship to the collective whether that is a marriage or a country or parent and child.

What makes marriage, democracy, parent-child, or any collective relationship successful? The key is “kindness, compassion, and sensitivity to each other’s individual preferences and needs.” The more of this, the more successful the relationship will be. There is no Me versus Them when kindness and compassion, sensitivity to the other’s needs enter our awareness. We realize that this awareness is how to lessen the tension of the negotiation of individual versus the collective. We must also think about our own needs, wants, interests WHILE also considering the same of the other, of the collective.

What might this look like if I become aware?

If I take this new job, I will advance in my career. I will make more money. I will have more opportunities for advancement in the future. I receive recognition and feel good about myself. I’ll have a better house and car. This is better for everybody!  Of course, I will accept the job. Wait, that is the individual. There were seven I statements. There was one Everybody statement, and it was an assumption.

What of the collective, the family? Am I assuming what they want? I have a spouse and 3 kids in school. They’ve lived here their whole life and this job is across the country from here. How do I know what they want?

“A relationship is a constant negotiation of individual versus collective.” I have to express my needs and also ask, discuss, work with the needs, interests, and preferences of the collective, the family. We have to come to an agreement that will best meet the needs of the whole. What compromises will we have to make? Will I be letting go of what I want this time because the needs of the others are greater? I can only know whether they are greater if I go into discussions with compassion and a sensitivity to what they need, not just my own needs and interests. And if the needs of the collective are greater, then they become my needs too because I want, need, prefer to be in a healthy relationship with the collective, my family.

This is what it looks like when we turn what could be serious conflict, into connection. Kindness, compassion, and sensitivity to the other enables us to have successful relationships. However, this is only truly possible if we have that same level of kindness, awareness, compassion and sensitivity to our own needs and interests, emotions and even spirituality.

Successful relationships thrive when we understand and love ourselves; when we are kind and compassionate to ourselves and do the same for the other.

There is one general question we truly need to ask ourselves, and we need to be brutally honest. I mean searchingly honest with ourselves.

Do I usually put myself, my needs and preferences first? Or do I tend to primarily put the needs of the other person or other people first? The answer is likely to be different in different relationships, so examine them all to help them be more successful.

If the answer to either question above is yes, you will need to bring more kindness, compassion, and sensitivity to needs and preferences wherever that is missing. This is how we meet the demand of the collective, the relationship and ourselves. We become able to develop Collaboration. Cohesion. Compromise.

Without kindness, compassion and sensitivity to our own needs, we will never be fulfilled. Without kindness, compassion and sensitivity to the needs of the collective, we have no healthy relationship. Could that be what is missing in every war? Could they end if we brought that in?

Jesus told us to: Love Your Neighbor as You Love Yourself. This is what that looks like. It’s really simple. It’s really what the Presiding Bishop says: “If it’s not about love, it’s not about God.” It’s really simple. And, yes, it’s really hard work.
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All relationships require work. Relationship with ourselves, relationships with any collective – spouse, partner, parents, children, boss, coworkers, neighborhood, city or country require work, effort. One way to be in relationship with your city or country is to vote. That requires a certain amount of work. But we are all part of the human family and relationship is the core. It is actually the foundation upon which human life is built. If we are willing to do the work, we can have increasingly healthy and successful relationships. We will Grow in Relationships. And we will Grow in Service. And we will Grow in Christ.
 
Blessings,
Dr. Jeanne