Ho-ho-ho, No-no-no

Dr. Jeanne Robertson, Ph.D., LPC, LMFT  

Dr. Jeanne is the Director of St. Paul's Center for Counseling & Education

Holidays are holy days, days set apart. To be holy is to be other, set apart in a positive way. And isn’t that what we want from our holidays? We want them set apart in positive ways. We spend time with family and friends. We gather in groups for fellowship. We are together to celebrate. We are looking forward to a joyful time spent together - TOGETHERNESS.

To be holy is to be set apart in a positive way. And isn't that what we want from our holidays?

But, even though we may all have a similar desire for joyful fellowship and togetherness, we all have different views about politics. And politics includes a whole lot more than whose running for a political office. Politics has to do with anything that effects individuals in a society or the society as a whole. So there is very little that isn’t political in some way.

Americans are very divided in our views on, well it seems like practically everything. Of course there are lots of things we agree on, but it’s the things we don’t that can get in the way of the holiday joy.

Americans are divided in our views on, well it seems like practically everything. What do we do when this gets in the way of holiday joy?

What to do? Here are a few questions to ask yourself.

1. What is the most important considerations for a holiday gathering? Is it being right or being loving? Do you want to enjoy yourself or do you need to try to change another’s mind?
2. On what topics do you hold strong opinions?
3. Are you likely to attend holiday functions with others who hold opposing views?
4. What would you gain from discussing any controversial topic? What would you lose?

How can you avoid controversy?

1. Know which topics to avoid – the Middle East, presidential politics, climate change, gun control, crime, abortion, race, etc.
2. Be proactive with family and friends with whom a controversial topic is likely to arise. Let others know in advance that you have decided not to talk politics (in its broadest sense) during the holidays. You are taking a vow of silence, so to speak, on such topics. Ask the others to respect your decision. This places responsibility on you without accusing another. You might even remind them if a topic does arise, that it is one of the topics you are not discussing during the holidays.
3. If a controversial topic arises, make your position not to talk about the topic respectfully clear. Something like, “I know there are varying positions on this topic, so I’m requesting we not talk about it, please. I don’t want this topic to get in the way of our wonderful dinner.”
4. Change the subject quickly when you hear mention of something you know will inevitably head toward argument.
5. Or, if you are unable to keep the peace, remove yourself from the situation. We are not required to be a part of, or even listen to, arguments about politics or other controversial topics. Not only do such arguments often get heated and ugly, being in such a setting it not only ruins our joy, but is actually considered abusive. (If that seems extreme, consider how you feel when you are dragged into an argument or are observing family or friends arguing with each other. It really is emotionally harmful.)

Consider taking a political "vow of silence," so to speak, during the  holidays.

Remember your goal of a joyful holiday, a holy day set apart for celebration and togetherness, not a day focused on division and hostility. Be the peace you want others to be.
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Blessings,
Dr. Jeanne