Habits

Dr. Jeanne Robertson, Ph.D., LPC, LMFT 

Dr. Jeanne is the Director of St. Paul's Center for Counseling & Education

Humans NEED habits. Habits keep our teeth and bodies clean. Habits get us to work. What we usually think of as our routines are habits we use to accomplish tasks in less time and with less effort. We don’t have to consciously think about each separate action because behaviors have become automatic and subconscious. We can think of other things as we accomplish a task. [Are you actually thinking about your teeth and every stroke of the toothbrush as you brush?]

We NEED habits and develop habits readily, but are all habits of equal value to our lives? NO! Everyone has habits that are more helpful or less helpful. So…………….

Are you ready to evaluate your habits? Not: criticize, judge, condemn – just assess, examine, evaluate which habits are helpful and which ones might be problematic, unhelpful? Draw conclusions, not condemnations. Then you can make helpful informed choices, decisions.

Let’s start small.

Snacks. Assess.  

Are you a snacker? [If not, what about TV, social media time? Replace for snack.] Do you know how much, how often and under what circumstances, you snack? If can’t fully answer the above question, Examine your snacking behaviors. When do you snack? What do you snack on? Why are you snacking? Do you know why or is it a habit? Maybe you don’t always realize you are snacking, while you are snacking? Maybe you don’t realize how much?

Examine. Look more closely at your snacking. Pay attention for a few days or a week so you can answer the What, When, Where, Why, How Much questions about your snacking.

Evaluate. How often is your snacking a helpful choice? When is not helpful? Why? What makes it helpful or unhelpful? What snack foods are most helpful, which are least helpful?

Conclusions. What decisions will you now make? What choices will you make about snacking?
That wasn’t too painful, was it?

We just need to bring our habits, which are subconscious patterns of behavior, to our conscious awareness. When I say subconscious, I don’t mean we are totally unaware. You know if you are a snacker. But how aware were you of the answers to all the questions above before I asked them? Awareness allows us to assess, evaluate, draw conclusions, and make decisions about behaviors that have become so routine that they are largely subconscious when we engage in them. We think we know whether they are helpful or not. However, we can’t truly know without examining them. Awareness can give us control over behaviors that have become primarily subconscious. We can decide which habits are helping and which are hurting. We can choose to how to continue or modify our habits. Some we may choose to stop. Conscious awareness gives us the power we need.

Are you ready for a difficult Assessment? If so, read on.

I have a brief one-page intake form I use for couples coming for premarital counseling. It has general questions: name, address, job, and what they hope to gain by participating in premarital counseling. I also ask about alcohol use:

• How often do you drink alcohol? Daily ____ Weekly ____ Occasionally ____ Never ____.
• When you drink, how many drinks/beers do you usually have? ____
• Have you ever felt the need to cut down? ____

I usually ask others who come to see me the same questions.

Let me be very clear: I do not judge or criticize any answer. The reason for the questions is to provide the individual the opportunity to use the above process to see if their drinking is a habit, perhaps even a problem for them. Is their use of alcohol helpful, “wine to make the heart glad,” as scripture puts it? Or is their drinking becoming an unhelpful habit? The assess, examine, evaluate process allows an opening for a question that is often ignored because people are afraid of the judgment, criticism or condemnation of their behaviors by others. Or perhaps they judge and condemn themselves. Some people even think drinking is a moral issue when in fact, it’s a behavior like any other. It, like any behavior, can be helpful or hurtful. If someone cuts another person with a very sharp implement, is it surgery, assault, or self-defense?

When people answer that they have thought about cutting down on their drinking, I ask them more specifics about what, where, when, why, and how much they drink. I ask what they think is helpful for them. It’s their decision, not mine. What is helpful for one person may be very different for another.

Once they have assessed, examined and evaluated their pattern of drinking, I ask them to decide when and how much they believe is best. [Remember this is someone who told me they thought they should cut down.] And then I ask them to try out the new pattern they are choosing. If the person says they are drinking 3 or 4 beers, drinks, or glasses of wine after work each night, they may decide that every day may be too often. Or they may decide, 1 or 2 every day would be better.

The goal is for them to find out if they are able to control the amount and frequency they drink or find out if they have developed a habit that puts the alcohol in control. Remember, our conscious awareness of our behavior patterns helps us choose what is helpful or unhelpful.

I ask them to choose the amount THEY think is best and commit to it before they have the first beer or drink. If they choose 2 and are able to only drink 2 each night, they are controlling what they drink. They continue to see if this works.

If they find that once they have the 2nd drink, they have a 3rd this indicates there may be a problem. They made a commitment to only have 2 drinks, but after the 2nd were unable to keep the commitment to themselves. If they are uncomfortable with not being able to choose 2 and make that happen, the next step choosing to have only 1 drink. If after having 1 drink they are able to keep that commitment, they are gaining more control over their after work drinking. Then they reassess, reevaluate, draw conclusions, and make decisions about how they want to proceed. We go through the whole what, where, when and how much process regarding their drinking at other times so they can decide what is most helpful. In other words, this process gives them the ability to be aware of how much they can drink with control and how much will cause a loss of control. Then they decide what they will choose each time. What drinking pattern is helpful and what isn’t.

Any habit can become a problem, become excessive—screen time: phone, tablet, laptop or TV; spending; eating; drinking; exercise; gambling, and on and on. How do we know what excessive is? Awareness of our behaviors. What are the consequences? How does it impact other areas of our lives, our relationships with others? If we assess, examine, evaluate what we are doing and really become aware, we gain the power to choose what we do. We can choose what is helpful for our lives and avoid what is hurtful. It starts with being aware.

However, never try to assess or examine or think you can become adequately aware WHILE you are engaged in the habit. That’s when we lie to ourselves. We say it’s all fine, or we condemn ourselves, judge so harshly we shame ourselves for something we just need to examine fully at another time. Only assess while engaged in the behavior if you have already completed the process and are checking in on yourself to see if your behavior is what you committed to in advance. Check-ins are helpful.
​
I’m here to listen. And if you want, I’m here to talk about habits.

Blessings,
Dr. Jeanne