Relationships – we all know what they are all about, right? We all have relationships, all sorts of relationships. We don’t need to be told what relationships are or what they’re all about because we’re in plenty of relationships and have been since the day we were born, right? Some of us even work with relationships as their career! Surely, we've got this down pat. 

Well, I want to tell you, that even though I’ve been licensed in the relationship field for over 35 years, I’m still learning about relationships. Recently Fr. Rob gave me Fight Right by Julie Gottman, Ph.D. and John Gottman, Ph.D. which is on How Successful Couples Turn Conflict Into Connection.

The details of how to make any relationship successful flows out of the paragraph quoted below from page 39 of Fight Right by the Gottmans.

“A relationship is a constant negotiation of individual versus collective. Each person has their own individual awareness and preferences, interests, emotions, intellect, and even spirituality – all these things that compose, fundamentally, who they are. And all these parts of the individual are calling out for expression. Humans have this individual need to express and embody who they are. But the collective – whether it’s a tribe, a city, a country, [family, church, organization], or a couple – demands something very different. It demands cooperation. Collaboration. Cohesion. Compromise. And kindness, compassion, and sensitivity to each other’s individual preferences and needs. And it will always be there, this tension: between trying to be true to who you are in your own soul, in your own core, versus being true to the collective. This becomes the long-term work of love, of being partners for the long haul.”

Let’s unpack that very dense paragraph from page 39.

Relationship is a constant negotiation. Negotiation is a process of working with, discussing with, another person to come to an agreement. Agreement means a kind of harmony, compatibility, not “Ok I’ll do it.” Negotiation is a process in which we use Collaboration, Cohesion and Compromise. This is how the agreement becomes one that is cooperative, compatible with the needs and preferences of both parties, even when compromise is used to reach the agreement.

But if “each person has their own individual awareness and preferences, interests, emotions, intellect, and even spirituality – all these things that compose, fundamentally, who they are. And all these parts of the individual are calling out for expression,” how can there be agreement when these aren’t the same in any two people? “Humans have this individual need to express and embody who they are.” If this is true, how can we ever have successful relationships?

The collective, that is, the relationship, “demands cooperation. Collaboration. Cohesion. Compromise. And kindness, compassion, and sensitivity to each other’s individual preferences and needs. Kindness, compassion, and sensitivity to each other’s needs is the key.

This tension is what makes democracy so hard – the relationship tension between individuals and a country! It’s no different in our personal relationships. The needs of individual and the demands of the collective are still the same, with the same tensions. The tension between and among members of a family are based on the need for a constant negotiation between the individual and the collective. The level of functioning of the collective is the result or consequence of the relationship itself – between parent and child, spouses, siblings, members of an organization. If the relationship is not cooperative, the tension will make the collective a dysfunctional system.
 
Why are so many countries at war with each this very minute? BECAUSE they are not thinking about the other’s needs. There is a lack of kindness, compassion, and sensitivity to the other country and those who are part of it. They only want what fits their interests and preferences. Too often there is an outright disregard, dismissal of the humanity of the other. But conflict only ends, as the Gottmans put it, by turning conflict into connection. This is a connection on a human level. If I don’t see the other on a human level with valid needs, preferences, emotions and interests of their own, it is much easier to dismiss them and their demands. The cost of this lack of sensitivity, compassion, and kindness is broken relationship. The individual is taking precedence over the collective/relationship. This creates an unsuccessful collective, unsuccessful relationship and is lose – lose. Successful relationships are win – win for the individual and the collective – marriages, families, countries, organizations, etc. It isn’t every interaction, it’s the long-term success of the collective that is a win for everyone.

Without accepting the necessary tension between individual and collective, which means accepting the need for cooperation and all that follows from it, we all lose.

The collective has goals but they tend to be intangible and often hard for the individuals to express, or even define, such as freedom. Families can have goals that seem specific. For example, in one family higher education is a goal all individuals share. Tension arises when dad wants the son to become a lawyer and the son to wants be an art teacher. How will the demands of the collective help this family reach the real goals of this family collective? Can you think through the paragraph on page 39 to find ways to help them with this question?  What will they need to do? What might the actual goals of the collective be?

Stay tuned for Part II of "What Makes Successful Relationships" to further examine how the above description of what relationships are all about can help us improve our own relationships.
 
Blessings,
Dr. Jeanne

​Joy and Happiness are frequently used interchangeably, but they are not the same. Happiness is not only something we cannot pursue directly, but it is also fleeting. It is a byproduct of what we do, think and feel. When we are in certain situations, we are more likely to be happy than in other situations – at a party or a doctor’s office. Happiness is a feeling, an emotion. 

When we love someone, we might do something to make them happy. The perfect gift. They receive some happiness from our gift. But the feeling diminishes in time.
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Joy is also a byproduct of our choices, but it’s far more than an emotion. It’s a foundational state of being. We don’t choose joy or faith directly. Joy is an enduring attitude of the heart and spirit and a natural part of faith. It can become the grounding of our being even when we are unhappy!

I recently heard a podcast during which the host talked about his experience of returning home after an extended trip in a distant country. It had been very hot, very dry, no running water or electricity. Upon his return home, he was amazed at his response the first time he turned on a faucet. He was elated! It was exhilarating! He smiled from ear to ear. Then the light switch! Again that happiness. But in just a few days, the new found happiness in these things wore off. He started taking them for granted again as he had before he left. So he put sticky notes on the faucet and light switch to remind him to be grateful; to help him develop an ongoing sense of gratitude.

He said we need STOP signs to help us enjoy and be grateful. When we have lost something, appreciate and become grateful for what we had. Remember, we only hurt when we’ve lost that which had been a gift in our life. Recognize the giftedness as well as the loss. And when something returns, start appreciating, becoming grateful for it anew rather than taking it for granted again. And if something or someone is always present, enjoy what and who that is.
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Can we learn to enjoy? The origin of the word enjoy actually means to give or make joy. We tend to use it as taking joy in something. The difference may seem small, but one is passive, receiving without necessarily participating. But to make or give joy is to actively engage with, to choose the experience, the attitude toward something. We have egrets and ibis and occasionally a great blue heron in the neutral grounds (medians) here in Lakeview. There are times when I see one, notice it and may smile. I receive a bit of happiness. But there are other times I enjoy the experience. I feel a sense of awe in God’s creation. This experience can last all day. It can help me participate more fully in everything I do that day. That’s a day I’m choosing to participate in joy.

One experience is just taking in what is around me, the other is fully participating in my choice to have an attitude of joy. Joy is a fruit of the Spirit. To make joy, we must participate, choose attitudes and behaviors that produce that fruit. Ask yourself what attitudes and behaviors can help you produce more joy in your life.
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May you choose a joyful holiday season.
 
Blessings,
Dr. Jeanne